To blog or not to blog, that is the question. Well not really. If  you look back at this year so far I think you can figure out that the answer is not to. I am not sure why I stopped. I suppose one reason is life/work was pretty crazy busy for a few months. I just didn’t have the time to sit down and gather together thoughts. But I will admit I also sort of lost my blog mojo. I realized something about my communication strategies. While I could come here and pour my heart out to World Wide Web I was not talking to any actual people. I am pretty cautious as to who has access to it or knows about it.  Many of the people who do read this I barely see and I am sure some are complete strangers! Some of the people who probably should know about my feelings and inner thoughts didn’t. One major person being Mike. Now it isn’t that he doesn’t know about my blog, I just know that he doesn’t read it.  His life has taken a drastic turn away from computers and he barely never checks his email or go on MSN, let alone take time to go blog surfing. So I am busy getting things out of my system here and he has no clue. I mean if I look at my blog entries from  December 3 and December 20 you will notice there is 2 week span between them. You can see just by that that I had courage to write about my blog here quite a lot sooner than I decided to talk to Mike. The fact that I even brought it up to him is actually pretty surprising. I usually don’t talk to him much about what I write about here. Having said that I realized this and he even brought up the fact that I blog rather than talk to him. So I think you will all understand why I was on a little hiatus. I am not sure how much I will continue to even write here. I have noticed that since I started talking to Mike rather than write, the need to blog has lessened. I no longer feel the pull to get things out here because I am dealing with them …well in reality. So there you have it. I am still here I am still struggling, but things are going well. I am open up the lines of communication. I have reconnected with some special friends who I’ve lost along my way. Actually sat face to face with them rather than sending emails back and forth. As much as I love and appreciate the love and support the people who read this give me, there really is something much more fulfilling than being able to reach out and touch someone. See their face as they talk, hear them laugh, and listen to love in their voice as they share with me. Best of all I am digging the hugs!

So whether I continue to blog or not is still up in the air. I will admit work has slowed down and as the summer months approach it tends to slow down here even more. So we’ll see.

What can I say I have discovered Rock band and it freaken ROCKS! Some how I am the designated singer…ahem…I am a terrible singer! But apparently Rock Band think I am pretty good because I am not failing. I am having so much fun. I love to sing and as long as the speakers are turned WAY up no one can really hear me anyways. Apparently I am not that bad even, maybe I’ll take up singing. LOL. We played until 3 in the morning on New Year’s, but by the end of the night let’s just say I was slightly inebriated and could no long see the words let alone hold anything even resembling a tune. Those last songs are now referred to as the Bird Lady edition. HA. Good times, indeed.

So yea I am still around. I have been up and down and all around. I had an awesome Christmas. Two weeks off to be with my kids and be home and free of the FT working mom stresses. Soooo nice. Jetta had her 7th birthday and I was glad to be home with her to celebrate and have a good old fashioned McDonald’s B-day party! It was VERY hard to go back. Needless to say my depression subsided for those two weeks and I was feeling happy. But alas back to work on Jan 7 and it didn’t take long for it to creep back in. So I finally made an appt to see a counselor, and went for my first one tonight. Not sure what I expected or what I still do expect. But I think it went well. I’ll have to set up another appointment. It is weird to talk about “stuff” to a complete stranger. Where do you start? What do you include? How far back do you go? What do you even day? Whet the hell is a stranger supposed to do to help? So many questions….I think it will be good though. Just getting the “stuff” out to a totally neutral person is good. I guess the more I talk the more I can work my own “stuff” out. I think I am going to start journaling a bit and of course I need to keep up going to church. I’ll need to make some little changes here and there to start. It feels good to focus on me…I hope I can keep it up! It is hard when new things come up every day. Yesterday, for instance, my day home gave me my months notice…STRESSBALL! Finding childcare is one thing that freaks me out and stresses me to no end. SIGH. To make things worse the reason behind it is because of Jared. He dawdles, and so on more than a few occasions the other children are left waiting for him, while he goofs off or takes his sweet time. Finally she had enough and said that’s it, find a new datyhome. I am not sure how I feel. I am disappointed that she felt she had to take such drastic measure but I understand, I am upset with Jared but don’t want to be too hard on him because I know he feel bad himself. UGH. It sucks. But every cloud has a silver lining right? I am not sure but we’ll see. There is a job I am interested at the U that I is less hours and totally appears to be up my alley. I am going to explore that possibility and maybe it will work out. It is a touch decision, I mean of course I’d LOVE to work less but that mean less money, but if we don’t have to pay day care that saves us, but do the two equal out? Not now, but I need to find new child care and I am sure it will be more than what we have been paying and likely include busing…Soooo like I said I am going to explore this possibility. It might be just what I need and perhaps the job came up the same day that I got my notice about daycare are connected. Or maybe I am reading too much into it all. Anyways, I’ll keep ya posted. In the meantime I will continue to rock out!

Well with all of the “stuff” that has been going on in my life lately I forgot to mention that we got a “new” car! I am the proud new driver of a 2005 Audi A4 Avant! It is a beauty if I do say so myself and luxurious! Finally I have my heated seats, the kids even have heated seats in the back! I love it love it love it. And of course I cannot complain about the stupid deal we got on it. Let’s just say if in a year if we decide to sell it we will break even if not make a profit. Perks of having a hubby working for a dealership. I sort of feel like I am not worthy of driving such a fancy car though. I also sort of miss the VW love. Those of you who drive VW’s or ever drove one will know what I mean. When driving in a VW and you see a fellow dubbers there is always a look, a nod, or even a thumbs up exchanged. Now I am almost embarrassed to make eye contact with other Audi drivers. How trivial, I know. But seriously I notice them and appreciate then but I don’t think Audi drivers are the type to give a thumbs up. At the same time I don’t get the vee dub love anymore, having stepped it up a notch. I suppose in the summer when I bring out the Rabbit I will get it back though. In exchange I get to drive in my heated leather seats, with my Audi Quattro and traction control and all of the other fancy extras. I think I handle that. Best of all I have cup holders and my wipers work! Ha ha ha, unlike in the Jetta that Mike is now driving. Sucka! I don’t have any pics of our car but here is what it looks like. That’s the color too.

*******    Update ******

I forgot to mention my favorite part! 6 speed manual transmission babey! LOL

So I went to church today. After a few weeks of procrastination I called up my friend and said “Hey I’m coming to your church this Sunday!” So I made a commitment and followed through. I do enjoy her church but I do want to find a place of my own. There are a few in my area that I plan on checking out in the new year. The kids and I can choose together. But first I had to just go. Having my friend, Kim, there made it a bit easier to do it. I dont know why but I started getting nervous the closer we got to the church. For a long time now I have been shying away from church and God. There was a point in my life when Religion was #1 in my life, somewhere along the way I let it slide down to somewhere at the bottom of my priority list. As I mentioned before, this summer I felt Him pulling at me and calling me back to Him. The kids attended two church camps and I went to the end of the week round up. As I stood there watching these kids sing and dance and be excited for God I was moved. I was brought near to tears. It scared the crap outta me! Since then I can’t even step into a church or listen to any religious song without feeling a lump in my throat. I have fought it and fought it hard. Today I just gave in. I stood there during the worship service unable to sing over the lump and finally I broke. My friend Kim was at the front leading worship so I sat down and cried alone, well not alone I had my two beautiful angels beside me, Jared and Jetta. It was such a release. Just letting all of my emotion out and letting God in. Giving myself to Him. I feel so elated now, so free and happy. I can do this and I will. He will help me and of course I have friends who will be there as well. I know many of you don’t share the same beliefs that I do, and that’s ok. To each there own. But I know that this is what I need, this is what has been lacking in my life for far to long and I am going to grab hold and not let go. I find it uplifting that I am going through this at the time of year when we celebrate Jesus’ birth. I sense a rebirth within myself and that is why even though I am bit nervous about sharing this with people I am going to blog about my journey.

Anyways I’ll leave it at that.

Merry Christmas everyone! Enjoy your friends, family and time off to rest. Take time to reflect on what it is we are celebrating.

Just to let you all know that I am hanging in there. Feeling a lot better after my decision to really work on me. I am managing to get through the Christmas craziness, with not to much stress. I have been smiling more and focusing on the positives. Mike has been very supportive and that is a HUGE help. He even sent me flowers the other day at work! A beautiful bouquet of daisies. Things between us have been improving quite a lot. I have also started taking steps to get things in place to begin focusing on me and my depression. I will start seeing someone in the new year as well as getting into a regular church routine. I have been reading a good book that is helping me explore myself and my emotions. It is pretty eye opening and really gets me to look inwards. I have actually had the book for years, I got it from my parents to pass along to someone, but I never passed it on. Maybe secretly I knew I needed it. HA or I was to chicken to give someone a workbook in depression. Anyways things are good and I am feeling really good about this.

-You feel miserable and sad - check

-You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy - check

-You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible - check

-You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may ‘comfort eat’ to excess - check

-You feel very anxious sometimes - check

-You don’t want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible - check

-You find it difficult to think clearly - sometimes

-You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time. -  check

-You feel a burden to others. - check

-You sometimes feel that life isn’t worth living. - no

-You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you’ve ever done is make mistakes and that’s all that you ever will do. - not really

-You feel irritable or angry more than usual. - sometimes

-You feel you have no confidence. - check

-You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).- check

-You feel that life is unfair.- not really

-You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can’t sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams. - sometimes

-You feel that life has/is ‘passing you by.’ - sort of

-You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain. - sometimes

Well I am not feeling any better these days. Sure there have been some good days. I even caught my self smiling uncontrollably last week as I walked to my car in the snow. The chill of winter in the air is refreshing and rejuvenating, the snow is so beautiful, much more than the gray dingy we had a few weeks ago. Yet I am still in my slump. I feel so helpless. But I know I am not. I know that all of the things I feel I am lacking or “unable” to do really aren’t that impossible. I just lack the drive to get off my ass and do it. To be blunt I am lazy. It is so much easier to say “I can’t”. I find myself using that phrase far to often. It is like there is a fight going on inside of my head. Part of me is saying you can’t, just be lazy it is the easy way out. There is another part telling me to step up and take control of my own life and not give in to the inner demons. I am not sure who is winning but I have developed a twitch in my right eye. It isn’t constant but it comes along several times a day, very annoying and makes me feel like I am going insane! I am not quite sure what I to do with myself but I think I need to seek some sort of help. I have in the past tried anti-depressants which I don’t really want to do again. I was seeing a therapist but to be honest I never felt comfortable with the guy so it didn’t really do me any good and I just stopped seeing him. I’ve tired reading a few self help books. Though they have great ideas and strategies they don’t do any good if you don’t follow through with them. That seems to be my problem. I don’t follow through. I let the everyday comings and going take over and whatever I was working on falls to the side. I put myself very last in the priority list and then after a while the depression seeps back into my life. It’s embarrassing to admit it here, embarrassing to admit it to people, even those I love. It is easier just to pretend it is not there and try to control it, somehow. Of course eventually it will blow up in my face and come out in the worst way possible. I don’t want that to happen, I really don’t. I want to be able to take charge and fix this. To figure out why and how I get like this, get to the root of the problem and hash it out. How am I going to this I don’t know but I have to. I have to do this for my kids, for my husband, my friends and damn it for ME!

I just want to punch my depression in the face! 

I am so angry with myself for the way I am feeling, all I want is to be happy, to let my self just be happy, enjoy my beautiful family, my loving husband, my wonderful friends. I have so many thing so be grateful and happy about. I can do this I know I can! I can take pride and joy in the fact that Mike and I have come miles away from where we started 9 years ago 19 and starting a family, with no jobs, little money, no post secondary education or life experience, everyone half expecting failure. I have SO much to be happy and thankful for. I think I know where to start….there is a little someone who has been missing in my life for far to long. This summer I felt the pull and have been fighting it ever since. I think I am ready to surrender. I am smiling as I type that. I am so ready.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” - Matthew 7:7